Don’t Stop Here

I am tired. No, I am exhausted. It’s a deep-seated weariness that I can feel in my very bones, in the crevices of my mind, in my heart, and in the depths of my very spirit. Sometimes, briefly, some kind spark ignites the waning embers of what is left of my drive, and I see the clear progress I’m making. Then a storm comes, the winds swirl viciously, almost vengeful in their aggressiveness, and what little energy I have, is spent trying to keep the tiny flame from going out. It’s a tiny flame, but it’s precious, my drive, and I need to press on. But oh, am I exhausted!

Yet I hear a voice, quiet in its confidence, sweet in its reassurance, saying Don’t stop here. So I pause for a rest, just for a moment, pick myself up, and trudge on. Soon another spark comes, the drive-flames grow stronger, I stoke the fire and press on a little more boldly and a little more wisely. Then a new storm comes, with even greater vengeance. Don’t stop here, says the voice again. So I press on.

But the cycle repeats, and each storm progresses rapidly in its aggressive determination to out the drive-flame. The voice grows faint; it is lost in wind’s violent howling. Storms come so quickly that I can barely tell when one ended and the next began. Then, I hold my head and weep tears that are wrung from the anguish I feel in the depths of my spirit. Please, make it go away. I can’t anymore, it’s too much. I stop. For what feels like eternity, no reassuring voice comes. It’s just me and my anguish and my dying flame in the middle of a storm. Until…

Don’t stop here. You can rest, but don’t stop. You are meant for more. There seems to be a small break in the storm. I can see a faint glimmer in the small clearing. So I press on, one step at a time. The first steps are tentative, wavering in their confidence, but then, gradually, strength returns with each step. Confidence is built in the forward movements, despite their deceptive smallness. Eventually, I can lift my eyes up and see the beauty of the sky. I can notice the openness of the expense before me as I step into much-desired opportunities. I can applaud my hard-won progress and wipe the bloody sweat wrung out by my determination, from my brow.  Don’t stop here. Don’t stop, you are meant for more, you deserve more, and you will receive more. Don’t stop. May this message encourage you as it continues to encourage me.

Peace, love and sparkles,

The Unicorn of Awesomeness

Choose Your Discomfort

I think that while I’ve often heard about how uncomfortable growth can be, I’ve heard less about how uncomfortable staying in a place you’ve outgrown also is. I suppose you can liken it to the feeling of wearing a favourite item of clothing that you’ve outgrown somewhat. You can still fit into it and wear it, but it restricts your movement a bit. It is at that stage where the tightness isn’t painful yet, but there’s a constant feeling of discomfort that gnaws at you as you go about your day. At least, that’s how it begins.

The feeling appears when you begin to outgrow situations, whether it’s a job, place, group or even a dream. It begins with a gentle nudge that something is not fitting the way it should anymore. Sometimes the nudge of discomfort is so subtle that you miss it completely. But, be forewarned, in my experience, it’ll never allow itself to be ignored for long. Soon the gnaw of discomfort grows until it demands your attention…and calls you to make a choice. Either you decide to try to cope with it, or you change something. Unfortunately, coping can only work for so long. Eventually even that becomes unbearable and, like the item of clothing, it simply does not work for you anymore. Your movement and your ability to show up as your true self, are restricted so much that you can barely function. Sometimes this leads to some kind of destruction; the clothing tears or bursts and you are forced to get rid of it.

I think that growth can also be uncomfortable, but in a different way. It is the discomfort of something new, different and unknown. You have not settled into this new thing yet; it lacks the worn-in comfort of your old favourite hoodie, but it is certainly better than the old one. On some level, you know that it is an improvement, but it takes some work to succeed. It is also the discomfort of letting go of old ideas, behaviours, situations…and sometimes even people. It is the discomfort of challenging yourself to do more than you thought you could. Finally, it is the discomfort of believing and accepting  that you deserve better than what you had before.

On some level I’m looking at this piece and wondering: Am I just supposed to be in a constant state of discomfort? But I also don’t think that’s the case. Eventually we grow accustomed to the new situations and the growth we worked hard for helps us thrive in new ways. I also think that life needs an optimal amount of challenge for us to truly be happy. Complacency might seem like the key to happiness, but I think it just leads to the worst kind of boredom.

Hence the name of this post: choose your discomfort. When you arrive at the fork in the road, a choice has to be made, and sometimes both choices involve discomfort. Which will it be: the temporary comfort of staying with you know, leading to the eventual unhappiness of continually squashing yourself into a place you are not meant to fit into? Or will you choose the unfamiliar discomfort of embarking on growth, which will lead you further along the journey to your best self? I’m throwing this challenge out to myself too, so know that you are not alone on this journey.

Peace, love and sparkles

The Unicorn of Awesomeness

For Fear of Success

I could can remember clearly the seemingly sweet days when I knew nothing of self-sabotage. Life has taught me, however, that ignorance is not always bliss. Sometimes ignorance is just that: ignorance. So while I did not know that self-sabotage existed, evidently I’ve been practicing it enough that I’ve become quite proficient.

I suppose that, to some people, fearing the things you want most might some utterly and incomprehensibly ridiculous. Why on earth would I, or anyone for that matter, be terrified of success, to the point where I do everything in my power to stop myself from such a positive experience? Imagine someone running headlong in a panic from happiness, good physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, great habits, fulfillment, loving relationships, balanced living…although my flight is not always so dramatic and so…obvious. Sometimes my trip away from the very goal I aim for is composed of simple missteps. At other times, this undesirable journey begins with an obstacle, however small, that I proudly found and placed carefully in my path, all on my own.

Perhaps it wasn’t done all on my own. As much as I’d like to take all the credit for my self-sabotaging tendencies, I cannot. Somewhere along the line, I received a message, or some programming that has become deeply rooted in my psyche, like an insidious weed with deep roots that chokes the desirable plants in a garden. Somewhere along the line, I was led to believe that there is a level of happiness and success that is just too much for me. Either I didn’t deserve it or it was impossible for someone like me to attain it. As I write these words, I feel deeply sad. I can’t imagine saying that to any of my loved ones…why is it that it is so easy for me to say them to myself?

As much as I love a good “girly self-care” activity, it has been quite a journey to understand the more difficult and less palatable truths about self-care and self-love,  including that they both involve discipline and the courage to face truths and challenge my mindset. I do not use the word “challenge” lightly. The battle to change my harmful thoughts and limiting beliefs is one that I continue to wage every day. It is a battle that I, or rather, we, cannot afford to lose, for we are all meant to shine in unique ways, and our individual and collective good depends on us to do exactly that. So yes, while the idea of challenging these unhealthy thoughts evokes images of a swordsman (or swordswoman?) preparing to duel, perhaps that image is the right one.

I wish I could say that I’m writing this from a place so far along the journey that self-sabotage would only be visible in the rear view mirror. Unfortunately I am still vigorously fighting…for myself. However, I came here to share these thoughts in case anyone else is also fighting this battle. Know that you are not alone, and more importantly, know that conquering self-sabotage so you can shine and become your best self, is truly worth it.

Peace, love and sparkles,

The Unicorn of Awesomeness

For the Love of a Trope

One of the great things about my rekindled love of reading is that now, I can find a community of kindred spirits online: people who also value revelling in their favourite novels and unabashedly sharing about them whenever they can. It is refreshing to feel less alone and sometimes the social media posts are, quite frankly, hilarious. I especially enjoying viewing content about the various tropes. The fact that many other people enjoy reading novels with very obvious tropes and are unashamed helps me to feel less…weird?

This year, I’ve been voraciously consuming series by Melanie Cellier. The first two series I encountered, I accidentally read out of order: I should have read “A Mage’s Apprentice” before “A Mage’s Influence” however somehow it was recommended to me the other way around. Nonetheless, I thoroughly enjoyed both series. I recently completed the “Spoken Mage” series and I’ve worked my way through the “Hidden Mage” series with almost as much enjoyment.

In my younger years, I would’ve been slightly embarrassed about how much I enjoy these series, because the trope is so obvious: the unknown (and seemingly unimportant) girl from a remote village (or the girl who is overlooked) discovers some unusual power that is strong, unique and unexpected. She then embarks on a journey or finds herself in a setting away from her home. She learns to use this power and becomes crucial to saving the kingdom (or kingdoms) in some way. Of course, a prince must fall in love with her, and naturally, he is powerful and handsome (and occasionally brooding/moody). Despite the trope, I found myself immersed in these books nonetheless. The trope might be the same, but the plots differ, and so do the protagonists’ personalities, and even those of the princes.

I suppose my enjoyment of these series reveals something about myself. But this is the same for all of us; our preferences reveal some part of ourselves. I am glad to see heroines as the main characters in these series, who are not only powerful and intelligent, but kind-hearted, loving and even flawed. Somewhere along the way, the heroine accepts herself, her abilities and her responsibility (because with great power, comes…). There is a good combination of her growing while also accepting herself.

It is also refreshing to see that the heroine can fall in love (like, completely head over heels in love) but still remain herself. Too often it seems as if the underlying message is that it’s either one or the other; either the heroine is in a loving romantic relationship or she is strong and powerful. I loved the fact that, in every series, she gets to be both. She has moments of independence and self-sacrifice she also experiences support and receives help from those around her.

If you are looking for a fairly easy, but exciting romantasy read, I warmly recommend these series. I laughed, cried, melted, and fist-pumped in celebration several times. The pace of some of the books may have been a little slow in some places, but overall the plot was filled with excitement and in some cases, there were plot twists that caught me off-guard. Also, I hope we all feel encouraged to be comfortable enjoying things that may seem ridiculous to others.

Peace, love and sparkles,

The Unicorn of Awesomeness