Once upon a time, I decided to pursue a dream which was born from a desire to improve one of my talents. This much-loved, but often-neglected talent of mine came naturally to me, which, perhaps, made me complacent. I had dreamt of expanding my skills for years. Yes, I said years. I wanted to be more spontaneously creative in using my talent. That was the desire and the dream that haunted me.
It was a timid dream though. At first I held it close to my chest, afraid to even say it aloud and expose it to the cold winds of reality. Then I nervously mentioned it to people who had already attained what I only dreamt of. I gingerly, cautiously brought the dream out into the light. But I lacked something, the thing, that would take it from dream to set goal to accomplished goal.
Then, one day, I was thrown into a situation where I was expected to do just what I’d been wanting to, but successfully avoiding. It turns out that the thing I lacked was a gentle push in the right direction. But even as I found the thing, my dream was attacked, brutally and mercilessly, by anxiety, fear and self-doubt.
A thousand questions held my creativity hostage. They paralyzed my confidence and my hands. One thousand “what ifs” tied up my talent and made my dream appear unattainable. Not a single “what if?” was positive. They mercilessly poisoned my mind and I froze in panic, fear and a deep feeling of unworthiness:
What if I’m not really as talented as everyone thinks?
What if I’m not creative at all?
What if I can’t?
What if I make a horrible mistake?
What if I can’t create anything and I just stand there looking lost and feeling stupid and useless?
What if…what if…what if…
Unfortunately, I now have a much more intimate understanding of the word “spiraling.” It really felt as though my thoughts were spinning uncontrollably around and downwards simultaneously. The view in every direction was some version of the potential for failure and disappointment. The “what ifs” held my dream and my talent captive in a vise-like grip. They surrounded my imagination like an impossibly high, ominous mountain range. No matter what direction my thoughts turned to, all they saw was failure, embarrassment and fear.
Apparently creativity can be terrifying, especially if you have perfectionist tendencies, you tend to be type-A, and you struggle with anxiety. At least it felt that way for me (I tick all of those boxes). Creativity that happens on the spot, in the moment, with other people present might as well have been the monster in a horror movie; I was that terrified. Although I finally found the thing I needed to start working on my dream, the path was blocked by a thousand “what ifs.” My dream was dying.
How do you combat such a powerful obstacle? I had to call for reinforcements. When a thousand “what ifs” told me lies about myself, I needed people to remind me of the truths I knew, but was too paralyzed to reach for. Gentle voices spoke truth and reminded me of who I am. They spoke belief, confidence and plain old good sense. Then, I was able to hear my inner voice over the poisonous “what ifs.” Then, I had the strength to pull my dream out of the spiral, dust it off, and breathe new life back into it. Then, amazingly, I realized that the dream was possible. I was capable and I was enough, contrary to what the treacherous “what ifs” said.
In the end, it was worth it. I haven’t fully reached the dream yet, but I’m making definite steps to accomplishing it. The path is much clearer and I feel more confident. The “what ifs” haven’t completely gone, but I am better equipped to combat them and pull myself out of a spiral. Self-awareness, confidence, hard work and asking for help when necessary, are the weapons in my arsenal whenever I have to defend this dream, and any other, from those pesky “what ifs.” My hope for all of us, is that we all have the courage to follow our dreams and become all that we are meant to be, despite the thousand “what ifs” that try to kill our dreams.
Peace, love and sparkles,
The Unicorn of Awesomeness
Shespeaksandwrites 